Wednesday, February 23, 2011

So I kinda forgot about my blog.

Well i totally forgot about my blog. Alot has changed in the past few months, my baby is now a toddler, to EVERY extent of the word. She runs around, has temper tantrums, blows more rasberries in a single day then i can count! Madeline climbs on everything around her, I mean everything. She has developed a very stong opinion on how she likes her eggs in the morning ( scrambled with cheese and pepper if you were wondering) she also has a strange love of the Etrade baby. Her vocabulary never stops amazing me.  That is all i gotta say about the monkey face for now.

Its now Febuary 23. That means im 40 days into Wes's 6 month long deployment, 40 days! that is fourty days closer to being back into the arms of the Love of my life. 40 days closer to snuggles, and kisses and more hugs then i can possibly imagine, 40 days closer to Maddie actually having a reason to say dada ALL the time, 40 days closer to no more emails from the other side of the world(pssh we havent gotten a email in 4 days now, so ill take a one right now for that matter). We are now 40 days closer to trying to concieve another baby.

Speaking of babies.... I have decided to change the direction of my blog( well as you can see by the new title) As few of you know, and alot of you will now learn. We have suffered Recurrent Miscarriages. Pregnancy loss is a very taboo subject in our society, Its been hard for me to express how i feel without feeling like im going to be judged or have somebody feel sorry for me.  As soon as Maddie was born we decided we wanted to try for another child as soon as possible, well as you can see we only have 1 child still and im not pregnant. We tried for a baby for 11 months, resulting in multiple pregnancies, all resulting in miscarriage. I feel like i have gotten knocked up, just to get knocked down by the news that the babies we have desperately wanted were not going to be born. Ive been battling depression since the first child i have lost in May, Only to have it get worse over time. They say that time heals all wounds. But time wont give me my babies back. Wes leaving on Det just a few days after the loss of our baby in July only made the problem worse, and With this deployment i feel like i have hit a all time low. I try to keep myself busy, Even though i lack the energy i work out alot, I somehow relate working out to getting healthy enough to carry a baby to term, I try keep my mind off of what is going on with my body, why i cant just carry another pregnancy to term, I dont sleep, and when i do fall asleep its usually after days of just not sleeping ( its 2:40 am right now as i type this) Because i dont sleep I am always tired. Even though i feel like i should just pass out from pure exaustion I still press on with my day, Afterall i have a 15 month old who still depends on me for everything. I try not to show the demons that are eating me away from the inside out to Maddie, My family, or friends. I try to "act" happy and like im keeping it all together, but in all honestly im not. I cry all the freakin time, It usually hits me randomly, like while im at the grocery store, leaving the gym, driving down the street, Whenever i see somebody wearing anything that is remotely military related, I cry when i see ALL pregnant women, or those with newborns. I feel like a such a loser because i have strangers stare at me, but its just something i cant control I just cry because it helps. As for medications, they dont work at least nothing ive tried. I will try to find a dr here that can understand what im going through, but finding somebody who understands that i cant just move on from my losses and that I need more time to heal  is going to be hard.
Well thats all i have right now. I will start blogging more often I promise.

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