So its been too long since my last post

Wow. I SUCK at blogging, I really do.  Well heres a quick wrap up of the past few months

1. In July Wes came home from deployment, it was one of best days ever!

2. In August we started fertility treatment, I found out a few things I have PCOS, honestly i never would have guessed, Im thin, have normal cycles, and havent had any ovary pain since i was 16 when i had 1 large cyst. I also have a underactive thyroid, again im thin i never would have guessed that either, I also have a condition called Low Protein S, Basically its a blood clotting disorder. Combine everything together and its a miracle ive ever gotten pregnant, and obivious why its extremely hard for me to stay pregnant. So after all the testing was done, we were given the cost, The overwhelming heartbreaking cost of treatment. Even with our insurance we couldnt afford it, So we gave up hope and quit trying.

3. In September, I knew something was off, I took a pregnancy test, it was positive! They joy was very shortly lived, i lost all my pregnancy symptoms and tests turned to negative a few days later, Ultrasound showed a empty sac, then nothing.

4. In earlyOctober my period is still not arrived, I had a elevated body temp, Pregnancy symptoms, I thought it was all in my head, i was sure of it. I had a arguement about taking a test with Wes at like 1am, because I was burning up, Im only hot when im pregnant he said and after about 5 minutes i said fine, I went upstairs to take a test, it was a digital test, They take forever to pop up not pregnant, and if your pregnant they pop up really fast it wasnt even 30 seconds and it said PREGNANT. I literally gasped, Wes yelled I TOLD YOU, from downstairs. We sat on the stairs in disbelief for a really long time, I went back to my Dr the next day, Ultrasound showed nothing, My HCG was 67. I went back 2 days later it was a huge jump to 1200. then 4700 2 days after that. I had a repeat ultrasound 4 days after my first, there was a sac! 1 week later, a tiny little baby and yoksac. Another week went by and that ultrasound showed us the very long awaited heartbeat, i have never felt better in my life seeing that tiny little pulse, Every time before Since i had Madeline, there was no heartbeat, so that was our point where we could get excited.  We repeated ultrasounds every 2 weeks since then, Its amazing to see our little baby grow, Its a relief. I went though alot of pain and being terrified this entire time, Lucky for me because the fertility drs ive seen are great at treating women with recurrent miscarriages i was given the medications i needed to help our baby grow, but Im now exiting our first trimester, My hyperemesis is under control and i have hope its going to be gone soon, My cervix is a normal length, My orthostatic hypotension is getting less frequent,And my drs are very confident that soon this pregnancy will be no longer considered high risk, and are on board with my plans to homebirth.
I guess im not longer knocked down, Just knocked up, and thats just the way I like it.

Things I am sick of hearing.

This post is just a rant, please ignore if you wish :)

Things I'm sick of hearing from other people.

10. I dont know how you do it, I would NEVER be a military wife.
Lets just be happy that my husband serves our country so yours doesnt get drafted, and just incase he does let me know when this phrase annoys the crap out of you too. I fell in love with my husband for the man he is, not his job.

9. Will he be home for his birthday/my birthday/ our wedding anniversary/ other important days of your life?
No. Come on now do you watch the news? Our military doesnt get to come home for important events in our individual lives If that was the case I can promise you that we wouldnt have a strong military presence around the world and in war zones.

8. My husband is going out of town for a week on a business trip, I can totally relate.
Umm, No you cant.

7.  Dont you miss sex?
Uh where is your filter? Of course I miss sex, but you learn quickly that strong lasting relationships are built on more then just a sex life.

6. My husband is deployed too.. on a pretty island, where there is no threat of danger, we get to talk everyday, Skype all the time, and I have little/ no worry of his safety.. then I complain that I dont get to speak to him enough or i  need him home.
This is the military wife that I hate. Take a moment to think of us who dont get photos, phone calls, emails for days on end and then count your blessing and stop complaining.

5. Im pregnant!
Screw you. At least announce it to everybody but not me, I simply cant handle dealing with ANOTHER person rubbing salt in my wounds.. ( yes im happy for you, but announcing it the day you find out because you have no worry of yet another miscarriage  really annoys the crap out of me. Ill be nice to your face but just know your not on my favorite person list right now. Sorry for any this may offend, you get kinda bitchy dealing with what were going through )

4. Oh you must miss him huh??
This is a no brainer dummy. I only have a blue star banner on my car, along with a million other support stickers, cry all the time, and glued to my phone, but I dont miss him at all... can you smell the sarcasm? Any military wife who doesnt miss her husband probably wont stay married for long.

3. Your used to deployment by now, it shouldnt bother you.
You never get used to being away from the love of your life, it might be a week or 6 months it still sucks.

2. When are you going to give Maddie a baby Brother or Sister??
When I immaculately conceive ill be sure to tell you first!... Uh, lets see when my husband is on the complete opposite side of the world, its kinda hard to get your baby making on. ( see #7) And if you have any compassion at all, you should NEVER EVER ask this question knowing somebody has had some serious trouble staying pregnant.

1. Arnt you scared he is going to get killed?
Well arnt you afraid im going to punch you in the face?
People dont use their brains.
 To answer this question, Yes, I'm terrified, When I dont get a email soon enough thoughts start racing in my head and I just pray I dont have 2 men in uniform knocking on my door. If I dwell on this then this deployment will go by ten times slower and I probably would lose that last little ounce of sanity that I am clinging on to. Thanks for bringing it up... Ill just spend the next week in bed eating 5 gallons of blue bell ice cream.

Well that is my top ten list, which if I meet another idiot nice person who cant shut up this list is subject to grow.

you say im crazy, i say im a Navy Wife.

So... a little update on my life. Obliviously my Husband is deployed(it explains the me being *extra* bitchy.) Well to prepare of this stupid wonderful deployment I had to pack up my entire apartment, mostly by myself because Wes worked up until the night before he deployed, how thoughtful of the navy huh? I hate cleaning, well normal everyday stuff i dont complain about, but you normally wouldn't catch me me patching holes and painting and scrubbing baseboards.  So I hired movers, moved all the furniture out of our bedroom so my hubby can sleep while they move our stuff... They were late.. super late and i was starting to get worried that i was going have to move the furniture to our storage unit. Eventually they showed up, and they complained the entire time. The next day Wes deployed.. it was probably the hardest night of my life. the next day i turned over my key to the apartment and prepared to make a huge move.. 2100 miles across the country... Alone.. with a baby.. and a dog. 1 speeding ticket, 4 days, 1 case of the dog getting explosive diarrhea all of the backseat, a few breakdowns, several meltdowns from maddie not wanting to stay in her carseat, eating at cracker barrel WAY too many times, probably 24 hours worth of listening to Yo Gabba Gabba on pandora to keep M&M happy, a few shitty hotel rooms and I made it. Although im pretty sure i lost my sanity somewhere in Tennessee. I got a shoebox sized apartment, 300sq feet to share between said baby and dog. (* Update, baby now would like to inform me she is not a baby she is a toddler) and moved to Texas, all in the name of saving money. Babysitter is now free thanks to my family, rent is about 1000 dollars cheaper each month, And i can eat as much *real* mexican food as i could ever want. Yep thats right now more yucky Sweet red sauce like they have in Virginia, i get to be in tears while eating my meal here. Just the way i like it :) Were now 41 42 days into this deployment, (okay its 11:30 so its technically 41 days but give a girl a break!) As horrible as the trip to texas was, as CRAZY as it was im glad i made it because of the penny pinching we will be completely(or pretty darn close) debt free when this deployment is over, and that is really something to be happy about.
Goodnight.
BTW, i have decided to take up knitting or crochet.. go me!

So I kinda forgot about my blog.

Well i totally forgot about my blog. Alot has changed in the past few months, my baby is now a toddler, to EVERY extent of the word. She runs around, has temper tantrums, blows more rasberries in a single day then i can count! Madeline climbs on everything around her, I mean everything. She has developed a very stong opinion on how she likes her eggs in the morning ( scrambled with cheese and pepper if you were wondering) she also has a strange love of the Etrade baby. Her vocabulary never stops amazing me.  That is all i gotta say about the monkey face for now.

Its now Febuary 23. That means im 40 days into Wes's 6 month long deployment, 40 days! that is fourty days closer to being back into the arms of the Love of my life. 40 days closer to snuggles, and kisses and more hugs then i can possibly imagine, 40 days closer to Maddie actually having a reason to say dada ALL the time, 40 days closer to no more emails from the other side of the world(pssh we havent gotten a email in 4 days now, so ill take a one right now for that matter). We are now 40 days closer to trying to concieve another baby.

Speaking of babies.... I have decided to change the direction of my blog( well as you can see by the new title) As few of you know, and alot of you will now learn. We have suffered Recurrent Miscarriages. Pregnancy loss is a very taboo subject in our society, Its been hard for me to express how i feel without feeling like im going to be judged or have somebody feel sorry for me.  As soon as Maddie was born we decided we wanted to try for another child as soon as possible, well as you can see we only have 1 child still and im not pregnant. We tried for a baby for 11 months, resulting in multiple pregnancies, all resulting in miscarriage. I feel like i have gotten knocked up, just to get knocked down by the news that the babies we have desperately wanted were not going to be born. Ive been battling depression since the first child i have lost in May, Only to have it get worse over time. They say that time heals all wounds. But time wont give me my babies back. Wes leaving on Det just a few days after the loss of our baby in July only made the problem worse, and With this deployment i feel like i have hit a all time low. I try to keep myself busy, Even though i lack the energy i work out alot, I somehow relate working out to getting healthy enough to carry a baby to term, I try keep my mind off of what is going on with my body, why i cant just carry another pregnancy to term, I dont sleep, and when i do fall asleep its usually after days of just not sleeping ( its 2:40 am right now as i type this) Because i dont sleep I am always tired. Even though i feel like i should just pass out from pure exaustion I still press on with my day, Afterall i have a 15 month old who still depends on me for everything. I try not to show the demons that are eating me away from the inside out to Maddie, My family, or friends. I try to "act" happy and like im keeping it all together, but in all honestly im not. I cry all the freakin time, It usually hits me randomly, like while im at the grocery store, leaving the gym, driving down the street, Whenever i see somebody wearing anything that is remotely military related, I cry when i see ALL pregnant women, or those with newborns. I feel like a such a loser because i have strangers stare at me, but its just something i cant control I just cry because it helps. As for medications, they dont work at least nothing ive tried. I will try to find a dr here that can understand what im going through, but finding somebody who understands that i cant just move on from my losses and that I need more time to heal  is going to be hard.
Well thats all i have right now. I will start blogging more often I promise.